Water, Water, Everywhere

Water, Water Everywhere

Let me offer you some refreshment

The best you’ll find in this quarter

Not lager, beer, stout or porter

But a splash of life-giving water

Yes H-2-O, a fluid that’s pure

A refreshing drink to be sure

For thirst it’s the natural cure

And this bottle provides of the best

Passing every chemical test

You can forget all the rest

You might think that it’s strange

But it comes in a very wide range

Not only sparkling and still

But warmed, or frozen, or chilled

Vaporised, evaporated, and distilled

Osmosis-reversed, and de-ionised filled

Brewed from birch, coconut or maple

It’s more than a natural staple
Melted from glaciers and pack-ice

Deep-water harvested in a trice

Purified through thick beds of rice

Processed and refined to taste nice

It comes very highly rated

Omega-enhanced, and ultra-filtrated

Anti-oxidising manganese

What could be better than these?

It’s cellulite-eradicating

And it’s faster-hydrating

And it’s so easy to see

Why this should be

To vegetarians and vegans it’s key

And it’s sugar-, dairy-, and gluten-free!

The key to all life with very few faults

Cos it’s packed full of mineral salts!

This First World luxury’s not trite

And a privileged lifestyle’s our right

And as we want connoisseurs to see the light

So our packaging is plain black, or plain white

(We trade on such minimalist shite)

We are a water-obsessed nation

It’s all about drinkable elation

Not just simply hydration!

Yes, we know the stuff falls from the skies

And in ponds and lakes it gathers and lies

From geysers and spas it will bubble and rise

In wells you can gather a hoard
It springs from the Earth of its own accord

The wide oceans cover the map

  

And it just pours forth from the tap

But we think we’ve spotted the gap –

What we’re simply demanding

Is for you to pay more attention to the branding

The “terroir” is important to the flavour

It provides a crystal purity to savour

But when we’ve exhausted this elitist demand

When every type of water’s been bottled or canned

When thirst has been slaked throughout the land

We’ll have to find a new designer ware

About which consumers will care

Even though it’s already there

And exploit something that appears to be rare –

So we’re thinking of bottling….the air

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019