Don't Get Me Started

Don’t Get Me Started

“Hell is other people” said my mate Jean-Paul Sartre,

When he felt his nose was put out of joint,

But it’s awful the way that some people behave,

So I think he might have had a point

 

For life is full of many other frustrations

Designed, it seems, to drive me completely nuts

To imbue a mounting sense of futility

And to constantly grind away in my guts

 

Take the case of spinach, for example

A substance green, with the texture of snot

It’s claimed to be an iron-rich vegetable

But a fan of it I’m definitely not

 

Just don’t get me started on things that drive me mad

So many things that are just plain bad

Like food served on rectangular house slates

Instead of on proper round plates

And if I’d wanted my chips served in a basket

Then I’d have bloomin’ well asked for it

 

Mowing the lawn, waking before dawn

Tuna sandwiches with sweetcorn

You’ll probably hear me loudly mutter

About the disgusting snack of crunchy peanut butter

 

Beard-and-sandal-wearing lefties make me feel pale

In their relentless pursuit of craft real ale

Don’t mention quinoa, or green kale

 

People from Devon & Cornwall leave me fit to burst

Debating whether it’s cream or jam first

Their arguments I’d really like to shatter

Cos after all – it really doesn’t matter!

 

Littering, spitting and not picking up dog-shit

Foul & abusive language, and that’s not nearly the end of it

For I can no longer keep dumb

Over the curse of discarded chewing-gum

 

People who abuse disabled parking bays and signs

People who can’t park between the white lines

People who drive with no lights in the dark

People with cars they don’t know how to park

Sales reps with flash cars as their perks

And people that own BMWs, Audis and Mercs

SUVs on the pavement, hazard-lights flashing

Whilst into the shops their just dashing

The arrogance, the privilege I’d like to stem

As if the rules don’t apply equally to them

 

Cruelty to animals, fox-hunting and hare-coursing

Money-laundering, people-trafficking and labour-forcing

Queue-pushers, cold-callers and online scams

Facial recognition, CCTV and web-cams

Call centres, endless menus, and being on hold

Repeating the same information that you’ve already told

Automated supermarket self-service checkouts

Lager louts & ticket touts

Overcooked sprouts

People who eat smelly food on the train

Who don’t wash and smell like a drain

Boiled onions with tripe

Religious fundamentalists of ANY stripe

And I’ll tell you who’s a particular menace –

People talking about golf, or ski-ing, or tennis!

 

Unattended children & babies that scream

Mewling infants that shatter your dreams

Folks that won’t play as part of the team

People offended by everything it seems

Pre-packaged food & airline meals

Individual sachets with impenetrable seals

 

To listen to other people’s dreams is so dull

But better than people who talk with their mouth full

Charlatans, career politicians and liars

Climate-change deniers

People who are constantly late

Who are totally inarticulate

Who start every utterance with “so…”

When it’s their turn to go

People so posh they can’t talk

And eat bananas with a knife and a fork

 

Shop assistants who ignore a long queue

Then talk to someone else when dealing with you

People who can’t hold their booze

Stag parties and hen do’s

And what drives me right up the pole

Are dogs that are out of control

Their owners amused by my fright

Saying “he doesn’t often bite”

 

If only everyone was as tolerant as me

Things wouldn’t be so bad, sadly

You see the problem’s not really me

It’s all the others behaving quite badly

So if you don’t want to be really down-hearted

It’s a good job that you didn’t get me started!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2021