Hard to believe that the FA have appointed Sam Allardyce as England football manager when they haven't even replied to my application letter.
Application For
The Role Of England Manager
Dear
Sir,
I
would like to apply for the currently vacant role of England Football Manager.
I
am ideally suited for this position for the following reasons:
1.
Player well-being – I am currently working as a care assistant in a local Nursery
School. I therefore have extensive
experience of dealing with tantrums, bad behaviour and pupils who will simply
not do as they are told. I am also familiar with dummies being spat out, pupils
getting out of their prams, and clearing up piles of crap. Also, what I don’t know about dribbling is
not worth knowing.
2.
Tactics – as I have been teaching the children to count, I will have no
problems with 4-3-3, 4-2-4, 5-3-2 or any other combinations which the role may
be required to deal with. It only adds
up to ten or eleven, whichever way you look at it. How hard can it be?
3.
Daily routine – I understand that the players only turn up for part of the day, most
of which is involved in socialising with each other, dressing up in costumes,
playing games, getting in the bath and then going home in the middle of the
afternoon. This does not apply at
week-ends, and there are long holidays.
This is the same routine as at the Nursery, so no issue there.
4.
Leaving early – the Nursery finishes at 2.30.
I gather that the England side is very familiar with making a very early
exit, and I wouldn’t want to change that in any way.
5.
Personal appearance – I already own a tracksuit and a whistle which I use for games
lessons, so there would be an immediate saving there. I am familiar with pacing up and down a
touchline, and with holding my head in my hands. I am skilled in communicating with a wide
range of hand signals.
6.
Scouting – obviously it would be necessary for me to learn about other teams by
attending a wide range of international games abroad, and many Premiership
games in the UK. I can give you list of
games I think I should attend. Assuming
that this will be at the FA’s expense, I am prepared to sacrifice my time in
this way. Just one question – will there
be any personal expenses for beer and pies?
However, this could be a negotiable point.
7.
Sponsorship – I am already an extensive user of Germolene and Anusol products, and
I feel that my personal experience of painful piles could be useful. I think that these companies would make
wonderful sponsors for the national squad, given the frequent invocation by
long-suffering fans to “shove it up your arse”.
I could introduce you to my local pharmacist if it would help.
8.
Home & Away Strips – all those white shirts and shorts must get very
dirty, and cost a lot to have cleaned.
If appointed I would change both strips to all-black – who else in World
football plays in that colour? This
would have the virtue of making the team always look smart, even when they fall
on their arses. They would also be
harder to see on the pitch, thus making them more difficult to play
against. In addition, my mum works at
the local launderette, and can probably put the kit through the wash at a
discount. Would you like me to have a
word with her?
As
you can see, I’m full of positive ideas, and look forward to meeting you all to
discuss the position in more detail. The
interview could be held most conveniently in the Directors’ Suite at Wembley
stadium, preferably on a match-day. I
have an Oyster card, so there would be little in the way of expenses. However, if you’d prefer to send a
chauffeur-driven car I would not object.
Just for reference, regarding a good date, I’m also a big fan of rugby,
American Football and major rock concerts.
I understand the Rolling Stones are due to play there on the 24th
of next month – just a suggestion.
I
await your reply.
Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2016
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